Why don’t you fall asleep the moment your head touches the pillow?

A simple question with a heavy answer.

It isn't the street noises,
nor the dogs barking nearby that keep me awake, nor the conversation I keep replaying in my head.
It is the thought that I spent an entire day doing nothing, yet I am resting like I achieved my goals.

Do I even deserve this sleep?
Do I even deserve the trust my family placed in me?
Do I even deserve to even live...

I know the path I am walking on isn't the better one.
I know exactly what I should be doing at this moment.
Yet somehow, I still choose comfort.
I choose laziness, lust, over my goals.

And then, before sleeping, I try convincing myself that I gave my hundred percent today.
Did I?
Did I even try fifty?

Maybe that's why sleep doesn't come easily, not because my mind is busy.
But because somewhere inside me, I know I am negotiating with a version of myself that deserved more effort than I gave him.

samay katne ke tariko pe aapke tarq?

samay kat-ta nahi kisi ka, na hi ye ruk paata hai,

Bas ret ki tarah haathon se, chupchap nikal jaata hai.

Hum aksar kehte hain, "kaash thoda waqt aur mil jata,"

To shayad dil ka haal unhe, khul kar bata paata.

Na ye doori badhti, na ye naubat kabhi aati,

Gar thodi fursat mil jati, to baat hi kuch aur hoti.

Par bade ajeeb sawal hain, is duniya-e-fani ke,

Puchte hain log, 'samay ko kaate kaise'.

Kyuki aaj jise tum fuzool samajh kar kaat rahe ho,

Kal isi sukoon ki khatir, tum pachtave mein rah jaoge.